He seemed harmless enough. An overseas undergrad, he was politely spoken and neatly presented. Sometimes he came across as arrogant or a bit slow. I attributed this to the language and cultural divide. After all, Melbourne must have been very different from his home.
My goodwill dissipated once he moved in. He had this habit of tinkling on the toilet seat. Occasionally he would miss the toilet altogether. My other housemate dubbed him the Urinator, and we started keeping a list of his failings on Facebook to keep ourselves sane:
- He pees all over the toilet seat.
- Sometimes he misses the toilet seat and pees on the floor.
- Sometimes he cleans it up but leaves paper jellyfish in the toilet bowl.
- He’s cleaned the bathroom once in three months.
- He hasn’t cleaned anything else.
- He leaves dirty dishes, pots, and pans in the sink for days.
- He denies that they’re his when asked by one housemate.
- He denies that they’re his when asked by a second housemate.
- He leaves oil in a bowl next to the gas stove.
- He uses the dryer on a fine day when the clothesline is half empty and he doesn’t need his clothes ASAP.
- He put someone else’s Elle MacPherson G-string through the dryer.
- He uses all of another housemate’s washing powder and doesn’t offer to replace it.
- He messages other housemates when the toilet paper/dishwashing detergent/etc. runs out because he’s too tightarse to offer to buy it himself.
- He uses up all of the internet. In two weeks, he’s managed to download 80GB during peak hours and 30GB during off-peak hours.
- He leaves the light on in his room 24/7 (even when he’s not home).
- He sings and bangs his desk at 1am.
- He laughs like a manic clown. If we recorded his laughter and attached a manic clown animation with it, it would be a YouTube sensation.
- His laughter punctures the night’s silence at 1am, 3am, 5am, waking other housemates up.
- He doesn’t bother to muffle his laughter by shutting his bedroom door.
- He eats my boyfriend’s baked goods without asking first, and then asks when caught in the act.
- He asks for strange fashion advice. ‘Should I wear this scarf on a 28 degree day? It will be fun.’
- He flashes his dirty underwear to other housemates while asking for laundering advice. ‘Should I wash my underwear together with my red top?’
- He never pays rent on time.
- He doesn’t pay his bills on time either. For instance, his share of the February bill just got paid in April.
- He pretends to be not at home when housemates knock on his door.
- He also pretends to be out when housemates are inconveniently locked outside with no key, phone, or wallet. He’d rather they ninja over the side fence, etc. than open the front door for them.
- He has this habit of pretending to listen to other people’s criticisms, saying non-commital, innocuous things such as ‘Okay, alright’, but then continues to do whatever annoying thing he was doing previously.
- He leaves large pieces of meat defrosting in the sink, so if anyone wants to use the sink for actual sink-related purposes, the meat has to be dealt with first.
- He puts raw meat directly on the bench when he’s cooking.
- He leaves pubes in the bathroom sink. How on earth did it get there?
- He smokes in the house when he signed an agreement to not smoke in the house.
- He denies smoking in the house when other housemates catch him (it’s pretty obvious).
- When he finally moves out, he leaves a pair of jocks behind the bed as a memento. Uggh.
If life was a TV show, there would have been a Today Tonight voiceover asking whether the Urinator was Australia’s worst housemate. Unfortunately, while others wanted to vote him off the island, the Urinator had ‘immunity’. Once you hand over the keys to a fail housemate, there’s no CTRL+Z; they have rights to the house too. It took a cigarette, the lack of internet, and an imploding household to get the Urinator out.
The Urinator is but one example of housemate fail, and in the greater scheme of things, he was not all that bad. There are people out there who will damage your property and your person if you let them into your home.
So was the extra cash worth it? Sharing your house, your home, and dealing with the all the paper jellyfish involved? In the case of the Urinator and others like him, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
20 years and 5 months to go,